Regardless of your skill level, poker fundamentally is a social game. You sit around a table, alongside other humans, for hours at a clip. And you play a game. Unless you want to break up the table, it's important to comport yourself in ways that aren't offensive to your opponents.
With this in mind, based on a recent session at Casino M8trix in San Jose, here are five personas to avoid and five easy solutions to change your behavior, stat.
The smelly guy: There is no strategic advantage to smelling like a sewer. If you can afford to throw down a few hundred dollars at a no-limit table, you can afford to bathe. If players keep requesting seat changes from the spots next to you, it's a good bet you should have showered after leaving the gym.
The staller: Granted, some decisions in poker require serious thinking. But players who move at the speed of sloths and take multiple minutes before every call, fold or raise can derail a game. I equate this experience to conversing with a slow talker - at first it's uncomfortable, then it's just maddening. If you notice opponents calling "time" on you repeatedly, perhaps it's time to order a coffee or head home.
The kvetch: The Yiddish word for "complain" is kvetch, and, at the poker table, this sort of behavior is atrocious. The worst offenders are those who complain about bad beats - especially if the bad beats in question happened at other tables in other cardrooms at other times. If you're reminiscing to what feels like a bunch of crickets, you could be this person. The solution is simple: Shut up.
The lecher: One sad reality at Bay Area cardrooms is that an overwhelming number of poker players are men. Just because female sightings are rare, however, doesn't mean it's acceptable to leer at waitresses as they flit by. This behavior is particularly egregious when the staring actually stalls the game. If you catch yourself fantasizing about the woman who just delivered your Kung Pao chicken, get up and ask her out. Otherwise just play cards.
The aggressor: There is a benefit to overaggressive play at the poker table every once in a while. But throwing it all on the table for (just about) every hand is irritating. This behavior fails because it effectively prevents most of your (saner) opponents from playing. If you find yourself frustrated that nobody is calling your pre-flop all-ins, it likely is time to slow down a bit. Or hit the weight room.
Matt Villano is a freelance writer. E-mail: 96hours@sfchronicle.com Twitter: @mattvillano
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